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Analysing the wheeler-dealer market by Nitesh

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Well here we are. It is that time of the year again, when the football ends and the dark but yet-so-innocent side of the beautiful game comes up. We will hear umpteen references to a player’s DNA and will be treated to various understandings of where a player’s heart lies. Some managers are sharpening the knives for a bit of wheeler-dealer trading while others are skulking away in their motel rooms while the club owners get them their forgotten birthday presents.

At Manure, Sir Alex F, fondly known among friends as Old Red-Nose, has commented on the recent affairs of his star players with transsexuals. Speaking at the Annual press conference (for May) at Very Old Trafford, he said, “His actions are his own private business and I fully support him in these troubled times” while signing said player to a new bumper contract.

Meanwhile, over in Catalunya, the Barcelona president has again reiterated that the recent signings of 2 players for £50 million which took the total number of the players at the club to 548263741, will have no effect on the Fabregas deal. He is quoted as saying, “He is the final piece in the jigsaw. We just need to take his picture, for God’s sake!”

Meanwhile, at N-17, the not-so-hot-oh-i-will-kill-you-if-you-think-this-is-the-american-basketball-team Spurs manager Old ‘Arry has resigned for lack of transfer funds. Miffed at only $200 million being made available to him, he has now taken the club to court for causing him a heart attack in his kidneys.

Ryan Shawcross has now entered the record books for the most legs broken. His proud manager sat by his side, “he is such a nice innocent boy. His mommy drives him to the training ground and it is only after he has had a few hundred bears and a few pounds of grass that he goes home. He is always the first to reach the training ground and the last to leave, polishing off a few more legs off some kids we invited on tours to the training dump.”

Elsewhere, Mr. Henry has endeared himself to the Anfield faithful by promising them a new stadium in the next 10 years. “Provided that nothing goes wrong with the Wall Street, my baseball team, my basketball team, my American football team and my wife’s secret affairs, along with the deeper factors like fan support, the hot dogs in the stadium carts and the painters and that no one objects to the stadium being located in Wales, the chances look pretty good.

At Stamford Bridge, Roman has sacked his latest manager for disagreeing with him. This revelation comes as a surprise as Abramovich had previously in the week said that he had placed his full support in the new manager’s sucking-up skills.

And in case you didn’t notice, the transfer window has opened!